I'll start with some WHO-news. The new trailer is online and it made my dinkle do a burp, an audible one at that. Go HERE to see it, it is ACE! Strangely, 'they' (the BEEB, not the government) still have not officially announced the start date even though numerous papers have said it'll be the 31st.
Is this STAR WARS?
So, COMIC RELIEF was on and those bastids did a real good job. Genuinely big names, as well as people who were actually funny. As a taster on the night before we got COMIC RELIEF DOES THE APPRENTICE and those who have been reading my blog will know I am a big fan of Alan Sugar & Co. so this was particularly exciting. It did not disappoint with much guffaws all round (mainly due to Sugar's indifference to the contestants, well the male ones anyway) and CHERYL TWEEDY COLE(someone who I had pegged as CDW) revealed herself to have some excellent comic timing when up against TRINNY and made me laugh out loud with a well placed look of "What a pretentious moo" when the fashion presenter revealed her trips to Austria to relax as well as asking [GEORDIE ACCENT ON] "Av you got that OCD?"[GEORDIE ACCENT OFF] . There were some other big names in it too but most incredible was the fact that in one day they raised over a million quid. Nice to raise money for charity, upliftin' if anything. It did get me excited about the new season of THE APPRENTICE which is only a week away!
He's back and this time it's, erm, comic?
On the night there was an array of 'talent' - some good, some bad. Now they were all doing it for charity which is fair enough but I will be honest, some were sh*t. Here are the main offenders. The opening of the show was SUGABABES VS GIRLS ALOUD with their dire version of WALK THIS WAY. So we now know they can neither sing or dance but the SUGABABES were slightly better (and less sluttier) so they 'won' that 'battle'. The presenters were awful in the most part with poor little FEARNE COTTON reduced to sad looks after every VT that included some 'painful images'. LENNY HENRY(why is he still on TV?), GRAHAM "Vomiting Gargoyle"NORTON, PAUL O GRADY, KATE THORNTON(how is this non-entity still in a job? Who is she sucking off?), DAVINA MCCALL didn't fare much better there either. Those guys couldn't handle the shift in tone from comedy to seriousness so I was most surprised that the only person who did manage it (and excelled in doing so) was RUSSELL BRAND. Not known for his sensitivity it was a genuine surprise to see him handle the shift in tone not by ignoring the clips but by vindicating them as he did the comedy clips and performers - "It's not a perfect world. Have you looked outside your fahkin' window?" he proclaimed amusingly in what I can only think was a slight reference to Bob Geldof (who called him a 'C' at the NME awards) and "Do They Know It's Xmas?"(they don't 'cos they ain't Christians you idiots). Well done to him and perhaps the BEEB could look to presenters of his ilk (Amstell, for instance) to present this kind of thing.
Insert dinkle-gag here.
So onto the actual 'funny' bits of the show. THE VICAR OF DIBLEY? I just don't get it. Is it funny? Millions seem to think so but I effin' hate it. Nice to see STING though. MR BEAN? Don't get me started! He used to be BLACKADDER and now look at him. The 'C'. Still, millions like him too. The first 'ace' bit of the night came when HARRY HILL did his TV BURP. It was pretty much a 'Greatest Hits' from the recent series but still hilarious nonetheless. Next up was the first sketch from CATHERINE TATE featuring some saucy little minx called DAVID TENNANT. Nice to see them back together and it was pretty funny and, of course, was DR WHO heavy in reference. We also saw her, as Lauren, with TONY BLAIR and that guy revealed his gift for comedy/acting. Worringly so, this guy is 'running' the country! Still, well done Tone, stout work. I literally laughed out loud. No, really. There was also a great DEAL OR NO DEAL skit featuring NAN. Top marks to DANIEL CRAIG as well for his comedy touch. Well done Tate, you allright kid. Allllllright. Throughout the night clips from the charity LITTLE BRITAIN were shown but they did not do it for me - lazy and derivative.
TOP GEAR did a TOP OF THE POPS thing which made me giggle 'cos CLARKSON revealed his love for PETER GABRIEL-era GENESIS. An era that I would like to give a special cuddle to also. They got together as a 'band' and did a 'song' and that little hamster guy is a pretty good bass player. The rest were sh*t though and that includes JUSTIN"Where did my career go?"HAWKINS. Perhaps the biggest shock of the night came with RICKY GERVAIS and his 'sketch' which was billed as a report from Africa and, of course, it wasn't. But he had me fooled. Helping him were STEPHEN MERCHANT, JAMIE OLIVER, BOB GELDOF, ANDI PETERS (yes, really) and BONO. As a satire it was so close to the bone but it did flag up ANT & DEC's rather ridiculous (although well meaning) reports. Gervais (who has announced there will be one more episode of EXTRAS) should be lauded for daring to go that bit further. Plus, it was bloody funny. I know some of the young people didn't like it but they're idiots, don't you agree?
Yes, that is Ricky Gervais.
Ole' Russ (who is to star in a film, see HERE) hosted by himself for the last hour - obviously the BEEB were too scared to put him on earlier (although he was gigging that night). He gave us THE MIGHTY BOOSH (who did the "don't touch me" bit they always do) and MITCHELL & WEBB who did that bloody 'TABLE OF REDS' sketch that ain't that funny thought they did brighten it up with the appearance of CHRIS DE BURGH and HAZEL IRVINE. Much funnier was their NUMBERWANG section with JOHNNY BALL and CAROL VORDERMAN. Top stuff. All in all, a good night topped off with a pre-record from SIMON PEGG and NICK FROST. I would have liked to have seen them hosting for an hour. Next time BEEB, be more ambitious.
R2's slot gets seen to by Leia.
You want STAR WARS mailboxes? You got 'em, go HERE to see them and bask in that little astromech droid's glory. And so this brings me to the weekly ceremony that is the CUM DRENCHED WHORE OF THE WEEK AWARD. This week, I am shaking it up and I don't give this award out lightly guys and this is why that, in fairness to all sexes, this week it is going to a man! There's no real CDWs out there this week so my attention turned to them, and two in particular stood out. Step up TERRY WOGAN for effin' up the announcement of the winner for the British entry into EUROVISION. Go HERE for the story and well done to SKOOCH - that was my favourite. So who is worse than Tezza? RUPERT EVERRET you say for his shocking performance on COMIC RELIEF DOES THE APPRENTICE . Not quite.... So, who is the first recipient of the newly named VADGE-BATTER SOAKED TOSSER OF THE WEEK AWARD? It's........
How come he's Freddie yet his name is Andrew?
Yup, FREDDIE"Let's get pissed, nobody'll know"FLINTOFF. Go HERE to find out why he's such a V-BST. Well done Fred, you are a tool. Keep your suggestions for CDWs and B-BSTs coming in, I appreciate them all.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my bedroom. I didn't know what to make of it.