That's her, what an effed~up face she's got.
Her stint on the BRIT AWARDS
earlier tonight certainly did nothing for the "She Is, At Best, Competent"
Campaign. Still, it wasn't all her fault but right from the get~go
she was so
bad that I sighed audibly. Yeah, that's right
; I sighed. If you had never heard of her (or seen)
before then you would probably have thought that it was her first attempt at presenting with her constant laughter and effing
up introductions. Sadly
, we don't all think that mistakes are funny. And lusting after every man (gay or straight)
is a poor attempt at wit. I would also add that her family were in no way
any help. Why were these out~of~date a~holes
presenting? I would accept it if it was 5 or 6 years ago when people (well, idiots)
thought they were 'edgy' but now? Come on.
The Class of 2000, no help.
Anyway, the rest was just as bad. I used to adore VIC REEVES
but his appearance tonight just emphasised my disdain for him. An absolute wreck
of a man. Again, shambolic antics are not a substitute for wit. Any other 'wrecks' there?
Of course there effin'
was and it came in the form of the oft-mentioned AMY "Another Album? Don't Count On It." WINEHOUSE
. She appeared briefly with MARK "Can I Have, Like, Guitars That Are Double?" RONSON
- after a shabby
performance from DANIEL "Scruffy Bastid" MERRIWEATHER
and a dismal vocal from ADELE
- to do a couple of verses or so from "Valerie"
. When she came on, from the dazzle of the brilliantly
white light, the 'ole WINELIST actually
looked good with a nice little outfit. Ruefully, that's where my positive comments about her end. Did she forget the tune?
Or was she jazzing
it up? She certainly had no clue about the words. And that dance? What the flippin' eff!
She looked like your 8 year~old cousin who was touched inappropriately by the local minister waiting to go to the toilet in a brothel. Her second performance was even more
regrettable with the ghost~of~a~talent
hitching up her skirt so much that I wondered if she was trying to outdo fellow train~wreck
, BRITNEY SPEARS.
Again the melody and words seemed to be up for auction. I was expecting RANDY
to raise his hand, stop the band and say, "Dawg, that was pitchy."
"My Singer Went To Rehab And All I Got Was This Lousy F**k~knuckle"
Musically, the rest of the performances were also, technically
, incredibly poor. MIKA
kicked off the proceedings but it paled in comparison to last year's excellent opening by the SCISSOR SISTERS
. He was joined by BETH "Apparently She Fancies Davey T; Get In Line Bee-Atch!" DITTO
as her song was shoe~horned
into one of his efforts. You'd think she would know how to sing her own song. Well, you'd be wrong. So very wrong.
Add to that list RIHANNA
her way through "Umbrella"
alongside the KLAXONS
. Both collaborations were interesting ideas but terribly realised.
NIce idea, shame you didn't rehearse it. Oh, you did? Erm,...
Relief came in the form of DAVEY T
who presented an award to KYLIE
; that was a nice moment. The WHO
references didn't stop there as the aforementioned harridan
, SHAZZA O
, has appeared in an episode and the announcer for the evening was TOM "I Heart Peter Davison" BAKER
. And to finish the 'event' PAUL "Shouldn't There Be a 'Sir' There?" MCARTNEY
did provide some joy with his thankfully short acceptance speech alongside his annoyingly short three~song set. Stout work Macca
. I lurve that guy.
I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Pants.'Til the next time,C.