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Thursday, March 27, 2008
THE APPRENTICE IS BACK!
It is indeed.


And such a collection of arrogant, self~regarding, souless, half~witted cretins I have never seen in my life (that's right, worse than last year). They put the American candidates to shame with their 'chat'. Here are some highlights from their opening gambits:

"In life, the are two types of people. There are winners,
and the second one... I can't say it and I won't say it."


Well, you ain't gonna win if you can't say the word 'losers'. SR'ALAN seems to employ people who can, at least, pronounce the most fundamental of words. A word that aptly sums you up, matey. Check out this SAIRA wannabe, worra slaaaaag!

"My strategy is very aggressive; play to win.
Not only beat the other candidates but thrash them"


Dignity, that's what I like about these youngsters. And the fact that none of them seem to have it. 'Play to win'? What effin age are you? You want to thrash the other candidates? Good one, you shallow~minded C. Next up, it's a TRE wannabe:

"The spoken word is my tool" and "I get on with Prince or Pauper"

I can tell he's gonna be a larf over the next few weeks. Although judging by his talent he could be out at any point. At least the aforementioned Tre had some guile about him and could actually do work. This guy claims to 'manage' himself. He certainly showed no ability in that respect. But I'm glad the word 'tool' is back in the vernacular.

"As a salesperson I rate myself as probably the best in Europe"

If you are the best in Europe I can assume you are paid an insane amount of money to do so. Why then, missy, are you fallalopping about on a reality show for a £100,000~a~year job? My guess is that you are, in fact, not the best in Europe. You're probably not even the best in your in own pants!

"I am quite happy to cut people out my life
if I think it's going to help me be a success, be a winner."

I'm sure you don't have anyone in your life to cut out judging by the first week alone. This f**kwit spent most of his time close to tears in the boardroom 'cos he personally didn't get name~checked. Chances are, numb~nut, that if I noticed (within an hour) that you are useless jerry~bag then so did SR'ALAN. And check out the final highlight, it's the first a~hole to get fired; his words are so poetic...

"There is something inherently within me that I have to get to the top"

And by top I can only presume you mean bottom. Also, we're Brits, since when did we say, "step up to the plate"? This was said within the first ten minutes! Needless it was one of the boys that spoke those hideous words. That's right, 'boys', these are not men. I can't wait for HARRY HILL'S TV BURP 'cos he'll rip these f**knuckles to shreds. Still, good first episode which you can check out on the iPLAYER or the BBC YouTube site (if you're in the UK). Also great was the 'ancillary' show, THE APPRENTICE: YOU'RE FIRED which provided many laughs.

Britney in wonky~eye shocker.

For the first time ever, I watched an episode of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. Why? 'Cos, as I am sure you may be aware, BRITNEY "Bit Quiet Of Late" SPEARS made an appearance. Before I get to her, I would like to address how appalling this show is. In fact, I wouldn't. I don't have the effort, let's just say it was bad and I didn't realise that sitcoms like this were still being made. Anyway, BRIT was pretty good in it. If it was a pilot for a new show then her character would be one of the ones they would choose to concentrate on. Annoyingly, the show ended with one of my favourite songs, Thirteen by BIG STAR. It shocked me to hear such a beautiful song in this kind of show. Especially one so dreadfully made and laugh~free. Poor DOUGIE HOWSER.

CLOONEY in the remake of STEPTOE & SON. Also, where are Zellwegger's eyes?

Music~wise, there's been a few new releases none of which, I will admit, I paid actual money for. Midnight Boom by THE KILLS was pretty uninspiring and incredibly samey; all distorted drums, odd rhythms and guitars. Pity 'cos I really liked the single, Cheap & Cheerful. Next up, H.A.R.R.P. by MUSE. It's a live album and features pretty much what you would expect it to. It may as well have been a greatest hits compilation with crowd cheers chucked in for good measure. Good though. SUPERGRASS are still on the go and they delivered quite pleasingly with Diamond Hoo Ha. Not essential listening but some real nice tunes on it. I would recommend that one. Don't pay too much for it. Finally, REM are back with a new 'record'. I used to be a huge fan but since Automatic For The People their output has been sketchy to say the least. To say the most? Bloody awful and, worst of all, dull. They have released the odd good song in the past 15 years or so but I have been disappointed in the extreme with their work especially their last three albums.

Feck off! JAMES CAAN stars in the big screen version of FATHER TED.

Thankfully, their new one, Accelerate, is damn good. Short (barely over half an hour) but all the better for its brevity. I wasn't too keen on the single, Supernatural Superserious, so I was surprised to hear so many great tunes; notably Man~Sized Wreath and Hollow Man. Of course, there's also a couple of dull~ish tracks. All in all though, top work. Easily their best since the aforementioned 1992 classic. But, that would not be hard. You could make one decent album out of the five they have released since then (barring the new one).

The verdict is in; Michael - you are Moby.

'Til the next time,
C.


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posted by Cameron McEwan at 10:22 am -
2 Comments:
  • At 1:32 pm, Blogger Richard said…

    I couldn't watch the 'Prince or a Pauper' guy without thinking it was Jimmy Carr pretending to be foreign.

     
  • At 1:41 pm, Blogger Cameron McEwan said…

    Ha!

    Good eye.

    I'll to find a picture of him in a similar pose for next week.

    One thing I didn't mention in the post was that I think they're all a bit too pretty.

    Where are all the ugmos?

     
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