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Sunday, May 25, 2008
"I Wouldn't Want A Packet Of Snot In My Handbag!"
Neither would LUCINDA, neither would I.

Nice butterfly!

It was a bit of a tour de force from LEDGERWOOD this week with some lurvely tantrums. Is it wrong to be trouser~tighteningly aroused when she swears? Full marks for her dusting down of the tiresome ALEX - "Naughty, naughty, naughty"; with finger~pointing! Classic.

No wonder he's bored, he has to live with himself.

Even better was her suggestion that the ad for the tissues (oh yeah, this week's task - they were to produce and market a new brand of tissues) should feature a mother dropping off her daughter at the orphanage. Now, she was joking but LEE clearly thought she was being serious as his face indicated 'thinking' mode. He only cottoned on when she started laughing, the thick f**k~nuckle. That's not what I'm talking about.

Subtle way not to use the tissue there...

Still they did come up with ATISHU - a great name, though I was quite keen on COZY~SNEEZE too. Sticking with this particular 'brainstorming' scene, Alex and Lee displayed their sexuality 'comfort zones'. At the mere mention of homosexuality being used in the ad, the two blokes - and they are blokes - were visibly uncomfortable; "Isn't that a box of tissues off the gay advert" came their response. Nice one homophobes! They might have well as shouted WE'RE NOT GAY! Amusingly, when Lucinda brought the sex element into play, I was actually thinking she meant that they were gonna utilise the wank~hanky aspect. One for the future perhaps...

It'll be time for a wank~hanky soon...

It didn't end there with that team. The boys - and they are boys - clearly wanted the lurvely Lou out. Alex said of the beret~ed one, "abrasive, borderline upsetting". Abrasive? She's the primary school teacher from heaven! And what does "borderline upsetting" mean exactly? But, she had words for the ETHAN HAWKE wannabe too, referring to his management skills as "useless, worse than useless". What could be worse than something, or someone, without a use? The mind boggles.

See above comment...

But the other team weren't short in the embarrassment stakes either. The girls claimed that CHERYL "Don't Think She's An S~Bag Just Because She's From Newcastle" COLE would buy their tissues. Come on, doesn't she have people to do that for her? CLAIRE delivered "they [the boys] can't go off on their creative license" belying her poor grasp of English (presumably her first language, presumably) and its phrases. Other gems from them included the question from RAEF, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Doesn't everyone have a penchant for a Cheeky Girl?" No, we don't. And what was with their fascination with SIAN LLOYD?

Auditions for THE JOKER continue...

Little boy MICHAEL (how is he still there???) and big boy Raef (who later claimed they feed off each other - whatever that means) were nervous about meeting her! And what was with Sian? Flattered at being referred to as "wholesome"? Low self~esteem anyone? NICKY H, however, was slightly more incredulous (like the rest of the flippin' country) at her involvement. He and MAGGY M got some great coverage this week, more please!

THE PROCLAIMERS re~union was taking its toll...

And so to the presentations. Where to start? Claire stated the her company were there to introduce a "unique opportunity in the tissue market". Unique? Hardly. Opportunity? I don't think so. She went on to proclaim that "if these tissues were people, they'd be politicians". And I thought the denouement of the recent INDY film would have been the biggest WTF? moment this week. Politicians? Seriously?? Claire 'qualified' this remark offering they are "fun, vivacious and friendly". Yup, that is not only the definition of a politician but also of a tissue. None of those words are correct you daft cow!

She's the girl in the PRINCE song.

But, not to be outdone, Lee stepped up to the plate and delivered one of the finest DAVID BRENT impressions I've seen in a long time. His timing was immaculate, so much space between words. But, when he did get round to 'presenting', he proffered such gems as "female genre" and "mother community" when referring to the target market for the ATISHU brand. I'm all for people playing with language but he should have been fired on the spot for these gaffs alone. What exactly is a female genre??? And mothers now have their own community? I must have missed that memo.

Should've been fired for this 'look' alone. Don't they have shampoo? A brush?? Clothes???

SR'ALAN seemed to relish shouting, "I don't know what your bloody advert's about" quickly followed by "You lost!" It was a good moment as that team had been sitting smugly thinking they had done the better job and won. They looked sick. Sr'Al didn't disappoint either with regards to language with some choice phrases like "in a meanwhile's time", "spar of soap" and used "cinematography" to describe the filming of a flippin' ad! And an advert, according to him, is a "cinemagraphic representation". Yeah, I don't think it's a word either.

Time to make up some words and phrases.

Raef handled himself, as always, with great dignity - especially on THE APPRENTICE: YOU'RE FIRED - but his disbelief at how advertising works hinted that he didn't watch much telly. By flippity, I don't watch adverts but even I know they are both "vulgar" and "patronising". He sighed, "If that's what advertising is about these days then God help us" - didn't he ever see the SHAKE 'N' VAC ad back in the Eighties? Full marks to MICHAEL for having the hutzpah to claim that everything good, that Sr'Al liked about their ad, came from him. That's a big pack of nuts he's carrying!

Goodbye's England Rose, I salute you!

'Til the next time,

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posted by Cameron McEwan at 12:00 pm -
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