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Thursday, June 12, 2008
So Lee Shaves His Balls Then?
That's what I gleamed from last night's finale of THE APPRENTICE.


According to him, the modern man (of which he is the very essence) definitely shaves his balls. I didn't realise ball~shaving had become so popular. I wonder if RAEF does it too? Anyway, a bit of anti~climax if all truth be told (which it is). As I stated last week, these humpties had no right being in the final four and I have great issues with their abilities (or lack of) in speech. Be it in a one~on~one situation or in a corporate environment.

Helene in no trouser shock!

Oddly, the episode started with the a~holes, sorry I mean 'finalists', going out for a meal with SR'AL. It was quite obvious that ALEX doesn't get out much as he sees a fillet steak in a fancy restaurant as the dizzying heights that life can offer. Just after that we treated to him expounding on his youth again and revealed he has a 'full package'. Enough of the balls already! Then, getting in on the act, CLAIRE says 'balls'. The only one left out in the "Let's See If We Can Get A Testicle Reference In" Game was ballsy Northener HELENE. But she went one further, wanting to call the men's perfume GIRTH. Or, as she pronounced it, Geuth.

GIRTH (not pictured): When Length Isn't Enough.

And so to the task itself. A task that was woefully underrepresented in the programme. Some of the losers, sorry I mean, 'ex~contestants', were brought back but we saw little of what they actually did. In fact, we saw little of any of the organisation that went on to make their events happen. Where did the 'straplines' come from? Whose idea was it to have glowsticks? And the martial arts guys?? All these appeared from nowhere. The show was based too much on the four finalists rather than the tasks at hand. We did not see how they worked as teams, really, at all.

Apparently, ABBA started out much the same way.

When we were treated to the goings on the gang didn't disappoint (unless you were looking for serious business people). Note LEE and his direction of his ad and publicity. To get the girl into the right frame of mind he offered, "You want to take him to that next place. Your eyes are pushing forward. You've wanted him for months and now you've got him because of the fragrance." Now, reader, you may have spotted a few gaffs there. Firstly, what is that next place? HOOTERS? Secondly, your eyes are pushing forward? You mean like Helene? And lastly, the girl gets a guy because of the smell he is wearing? If she desires him (and wanted him for months apparently), then surely she wears the perfume?

More balls!

Sticking with the bullying liar, sorry I mean 'Lee', he made some odd choices in his speech to the parfumers. When choosing a name for your representative of your target demographic, why choose a name you cannot pronounce? Ryan? You idiot! This guy Ryan is a "sales professional". Reader, is 'Sales' an Olympic sport now? Are people doing it as amateurs? It doesn't stop there, by the time he delivered his pitch Ryan - who looks like a man, feels like a man and now wants to smell like one (doesn't he already? I know I do) - had become a "cheeky chap" and all metrosexual trends were dead. Damn, just as I was about to get my balls shaved!

The Rottweiler & The Fluffer

I'll leave Lee (who worked his tits off remember, and I'll say he looks all the better for it) for the moment and pick up on something Claire said. Describing Mr McQueen she commented, "He's fluffing." Can you imagine my shock when we then saw Lee simply walking back and forth in a car park mispronouncing words? That's not what a fluffer does! In her pitch she stated that "Gambling is important" - maybe to LADBROKES sweetie but not me - and casinos are "glamourous". Interestingly, and you're about to get some insight into my actual life here, I used to be a croupier in a casino some years ago and I can assure you that it is anything other than "glamourous" in those establishments. This is not Monte Carlo, 1964. Do some research!

Tale as old as time..

Thankfully YODA, sorry I mean NICK, was there to offer up some advice: "Roulette equals Gambling equals Debt equals Misery." Powerful stuff from Nicky H there. By the end of the show I was fed up of hearing how much they all wanted the job. We've had that for twelve weeks now! The ancillary show (of which there were two) proved to be of some interest with VICTORIA WOOD making a welcome appearance on the panel of THE APPRENTICE: YOU'RE FIRED. She felt they should have called the fragrance LOSER, for the man who has nothing and will never get anything.


Nice moment too when ADRIAN CHILES called Alex a "big soft shite" for crying at the end. Even more exciting was seeing MAGGIE PHILBIN and SARAH GREENE in the audience. MIKE SMITH was there too but that was not exciting. And was it just me or did Alex and Helene seem like they had just banged (or should that be 'bung'?) and were gonna again. Sadly, with all this extra material we were not treated to any further comments from NICK and MARGARET. Gah!

Lucky RAEF, stuck inbetween the 80s beauties.

Well SR'AL I hope you're happy. I would be very interested to see what Lee actually gets to be in charge of. If I had a billion pound empire (sorry I mean "when I have") I would perhaps let him be the wallet inspector. Or the left~handed hammer technician. Or someone to sell thongs. Only one of the previous three winners is still with Big Al (present in the audience last night), will Lee jump, be pushed or do a good job. Sadly, we won't decide. But well done to the bloke (and he is a bloke) described as a "gentleman" by huge S~Bag JENNY. Yes you read right, 'gentleman'. Not bully or liar.

... song as old as rhyme.

'Til the next time,

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posted by Cameron McEwan at 9:41 am -
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