I gave that title about as much thought as the cast and crew obviously gave in the production of this new and lamentable, yet high~larious, BBC 'drama' - BONEKICKERS(and that'll be the last time I use its correct title). If you didn't see it then part of me feels sorry for you, it is worth seeing. Worth seeing the terrible production values, incredibly poor acting and woeful script. If you did see it then I'm sure you're sitting there in the same stupor that I'm still in. Did I just see that? It's a bit like HEIL HONEY, I'M HOME in its depravity although that sit~com was at least trying to be funny. SH*TKICKERS doesn't try to induce larfs, it just gets them regardless.
As wooden as the artefact they uncovered.
If they, and by 'they' I mean the cretins that delivered this abortion, had chopped it up into half~an~hour (or 22 minutes for our American friends) then we could have had a very good sitcom. Full of OTT performances, studied one~liners (parodying the action film) and non~sequiturs - the staples of humour these days. But, of course, CUMDRINKERS is not a sit~com. It sits on the coveted 9pm slot and, therefore, a drama. The only 'drama' for me at the end of this debacle was how many complaints the BEEB would get at the license payers money being used with such disgusting thoughtlessness.
Look into those dead eyes. He's made some poor choices.
In his A BIT OF show with STEPHEN "The Next Master, Anyone?" FRY they did a recurring sketch with two businessmen called Peter and John. Each sketch ending with the guys yelling 'Damn!' and this was clearly the inspiration for his character. You can catch a snatch of the sketch HERE and HERE. Although, I will add, FRY & LAURIE weren't the only source for Mr Bonneville....
Will the REAL Bonekicker please stand up?
I've never seen TIME TEAM but I imagine it's better than BUMKISSERS and I see that PHIL HARDING has been used as a 'wacky' template for an archaeologist. Oh yeah, he likes a drink too! He's out there man. After a ridiculous 'fight' scene (which I'll come to, nothing is spared from my critical eye) where they nearly all died (just the bad guys copped it) and a huge fire is still burning he quips, "Now, please, please, please, for the love of Jehovah. Can we please got the pub?" Priceless. I hope an ex~wife turns up during the series - radical! But he was not the only dreadfully misplaced character on show. Step up Scottish bint, Gillian, played with brain~scratching putridness by JULIE "Yup, She's Been In TAGGART, Daft Cow" GRAHAM.
No wonder she's scared, she's just the read script for the second episode.
Attitiude? She's got that, dusting down the new girl (commenting on her chest of all things) but don't worry - they're pals by the end of this sorry 60 minutes. Doesn't stop there though, Gillian's got problems too. She's following in the steps of her mother and, just in case we didn't get that, we are constantly reminded of the fact. This is where the writers really do a number on the audience, patronising us at every turn. Do they really have such low expectations of an audience? I know millions tune in to watch BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT but those buffoons won't tune in to watch this drivel. Though, ironically, if they did they would probably enjoy it as every plot point (and I'm being generous using those words) is S-P-E-L-L-E-D O-U-T. Example?'Enjoy' this clip:
Now, if you're still with me and haven't destroyed your computer with the bodily fluids you've just spat out in derision/hilarity then well done. That clip expertly demonstrates almost everything that's wrong with TWATHUNTERS. You get it all there: painful exposition, "Holy land anyone?" - we know where Israel is and I'm sure these academics do too!; excruciating acting from ADRIAN "Should Know Better But Clearly Doesn't - Get A Decent Agent You Numnbut!" LESTER; more explanations for idiots, "35AD, that's 2,000 years ago" - Well, d'uh; and more action from Bonneville, "Gently Bently".
Don't pull too hard love, the plot might fall apart.
There's more. I haven't touched upon the outrageous performance from PAUL "Time Has NOT Been Kind" NICHOLLS and his even more ludicrous terrorist sub~plot. OR the fact that he lopped someone's head off! No, really. He did. With a huge effin' sword. Positives? GUGU MBATHA~RAW was in it. Fact fans may note she played TISH "Martha's Sis" JONES in DOCTOR WHO. Yup, the good things about this show are that tenuous.
On a technical level GOBF**KERS really did leave me aghast. The direction in the 'action' scene at the denouement was so poorly executed that I began to wonder if they'd given the job to do a special needs kid that won a competition on BLUE PETER. Harsh? Probably. The long~running childrens' show would have the sense not to get involved in a television project so devoid of artistry and skill that it makes me shudder in horror what the BBC have got in store for us in the future. As a wise man once said, "Nobody ever went poor underestimating an audience."