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Thursday, August 07, 2008
Q: What's That Smell?
A: The new MUMMY Movie!

++This post has BRENDAN FRASER related content++
Billy Idol - Incredibly, still alive...

Seriously, unless you're looking to have a laugh at how bad films can get then give THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR a miss. Though you probably don't need to me dish out that advice. Interestingly, and I use the word quite wrongly, BRENDAN FRASER is not the worst thing about this flick though it's difficult to say what is the worst - so many contenders. I will say that RACHEL "Was Very" WEISZ to keep out of the cast for the second sequel. Her replacement, the normally very good MARIA "Did She Take This Part As A Bet?" BELLO was atrocious.

Nice gum!

The 'accent', such that it was, was possibly the poorest ever committed on screen, so top marks there darling! Not only that, her performance was shocking. And when I say 'shocking' I mean it in a "Can There Be Someone Else As Bad As JOHN HANNAH In This Movie?" Of course, one does not go to see a MUMMY film for the acting so I will move on. I'll also leave out the script too. You can imagine what it's like if you've see the trailer, it's got all the 'best' lines. The CG work is not good in general. There was some nice stuff with the statues, almost reminiscent of Harryhausen, but they managed to eff it all up with big fight scenes involving thousands, yawn.

Macca writes THE MUMMY 4? Can't do a worse job than the cretins who did 3.

The action scenes are poor too and the direction certainly didn't help. Confusing and annoying. A bit like my first wife. As a final point on this tragic (yet immensely laughable) piece of work, they (whoever was responsible) stole quite a bit from the INDY films. Not just ideas or tropes (as the Indy films were hardly original there) but actual scenes and moments: the nightclub opening from TEMPLE and the 'healing a fatal wound by a MacGuffin' from LAST CRUSADE to name but two. There were more but my brain hurts trying to think about this disaster any longer. Moving on.

No wonder he wants them to keep it a secret.

I caught THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE earlier this week too. Firstly, I'll contextualise my relationships with it. I'm not a fan. There. When it was broadcast back in the day it annoyed me no end; I sat there thinking, "Why aren't they making DOCTOR WHO instead of this garbage?" I do like ANDERSON and DUCHOVNY but a whole movie of them droning on gets a bit much. They fare much better when Sculder and Mully are having a laugh (which they do briefly here - at the expense of paedophiles!)

Can I do a knockers reference even if she's preggers?

AMANDA PEET brightened up proceedings but all the stuff with the kid and his brain problems was heavy~handed and felt shoe~horned. I did like the sudden 'bed~scene' with the pair (Mulder & Scully, that is - not her and the brain kid); think I guffawed at that. But are the makers of this film so lazy that the best way to demonstrate Mulder's hermit lifestyle is to give him a beard! A very fake one at that. And so when he gets back into the game, so to speak, he shaves it off 'cos he's now part of society. Such a well trod, not to mention, lazy conceit.

Pacino in S1MONE sequel? As the robot?

Lazy too were the Eastern European 'baddies'. Come on, I thought THE X~FILES was for intelligent people? Why make them Eastern European? And what has happened to MITCH PILEGGI? I thought it was a different actor playing him! I will add that I am not the target audience for this film but I doubt that it will make the 'franchise' any new fans. Sticking with 'sci~fi' (I use the term loosely), here's the cover art for the next FUTURAMA release, BENDER'S GAME.

My trousers tighten at the though of more! Speaking of trouser~tightening, do you know anyone (or are you that 'anyone'?) who would like a blow~up sex~doll of SARAH JESSICA PARKER? Do you know someone who would like to do her in that 'special' way? Well, get a 'load' of this (it's real by the way):

TV~land (more like a bog) still continues with its drought. DRAGON'S DEN provided some laughs (as always) but becoming increasingly distracting is the camera work. Those who watch will know what I'm talking about and there was even a letter complaining about it it the RADIO TIMES (I am not alone in being a weirdo!) I thought about explaining it to you but words fail to convey the hilarity of it all. To demonstrate, here's the opening of the most recent episode.

Me and Mrs StuffOnTv now play a game where we predict when the camera move will take place (usually every three seconds) and what it is - either a zoom or an out of focus shot. This programme is not for teenagers so we don't need this and what must poor EVAN DAVIS think? The camera guy (or gal) only plays silly buggers when his 'face' (and I use the term lightly) is on screen. Oh, that's why they do it....

Insert third base gag here.

Speaking of silly buggers, I watched BONEKICKERS again. Poor BURN GORMAN was roped in to this absurd tale that tried to suggest that the Brits are still involved in 'war' with the French and Germans. (The English maybe - Joke!) As usual we got the ridiculous set pieces with guns (though this week some of them were in context during the war) but the issue I have was the gang and their ownership and jurisdiction of the dig. Where was the effin' army? You are telling me that a bunch of Sh*Kickers from a university in England got to a dig before any police or army chaps? There could have been a bomb there (and there were grenades) and yet they just ploughed on in.

Wonder if he reads the RT.

There was another letter in the RADIO TIMES (yes, I know - I'm a weirdo that reads the letters pages in the RT) complaining about it along with a page feature on its awfulness. The publicity department at the BBC have stopped releasing images too so it would appear that the BEEB have well and truly given up on this huge pile of plops. And yet, I watch every week...

This turkey needs baked.

'Til the next time,

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posted by Cameron McEwan at 10:49 am -
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